20 WAYS FOR YOU TO MAKE MY NATURE PHOTOGRAPHY LOOK BETTER

(C) Copyright 1996, Robert M. Atkins All Rights Reserved 

I hate to have to point this out, but some people have no sense of humor (or irony), yet they do have lawyers. THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS SERIOUS ADVICE. It is satire – a joke – a spoof. Only in America would such a warning be needed…

 The really sad part is that I’ve seen people do (or worse tell others to do) everything that appears on this list! 

1. Never, ever use a tripod. It stifles creativity. Always hand hold the camera so you are ready for that “once in a lifetime” moment.
2. Always use a zoom lens. Fixed lenses stifle your creativity and prevent you from getting exactly the right composition. The wider the zoom range the better because it allows more creativity. A 28-200 zoom is good, but a 28-300 zoom is better. If you want a longer lens, see [8] below.
    
3. Buy 3rd party lenses. Camera maker’s lenses are no better and a lot more expensive. Just look at the Popular Photography tests.
    
4. Don’t use an autoexposure or autofocus camera. They stifle your creativity. Try a Pentax K-1000, as so often recommended in the rec.photo groups.
    
5. Always keep a filter on your lens to protect it. Since the danger of damage is so high, a cheap filter is your best bet. If you *must* use one of those expensive multi-coated filters, put a cheap filter on top of it to protect it. Since filters often improve the image, using several at once is always a good idea.
    
6. Use high speed print film. Print film is much more forgiving of exposure errors, and fast film allows you to shoot in all kinds of light, improving your creativity. Get it processed at the local Supermarket (but make sure they use the Kodak Colorwatch system)
   . 
7. Always use a cheap polarizer. If you have been foolish enough to buy an autofocus camera (see [4] above), use a linear polarizer. Don’t waste money on a circular polarizer. Many people have reported no difference, so why waste money. All the polarizers I’ve seen are circular anyway, otherwise you couldn’t screw them onto your lens. I don’t know what these poeple are talking about.
    
8. Stack Teleconverters.To get a long lens, stack a few teleconverters on your 28-200 zoom (see [2] above). Popular photography have shown that you can still get decent results with two or three stacked teleconverters and they should know.
    
9. Never trust autofocus. It is incapable of giving sharp images, as proven by Popular Photography in a recent issue. Should you have been so foolish as to buy an AF camera (see [4]), turn off the AF and trust the viewfinder image. Some time ago Polular Photography showed that you couldn’t trust autoexposure either, so turn that off too. 
10. Don’t buy a 35mm camera. APS is the wave of the future. Wait for a nice, fully manual (see [4] above) APS camera to come out before getting into photography. You wouldn’t want your new camera to become obsolete right after you buy it, so wait.
     
11. Always shoot with your lens wide open. Fast glass costs you plenty, so why waste those dollars by buying a fast lens and shooting stopped down? If your fully manual camera (see [4]) and fast film (see [6]) mean you don’t have a fast enough shutter speed when working at full aperture, add a neutral density filter or two (see [5]).
     
12. Never read the camera manual. It’s full of hard to understand technical stuff. Just push the buttons and hope for the best. Remember the camera is now a lot smarter than you are (unless you followed my advice in [4], and even then nothing’s certain).
     
13. Use flash all the time. (especially in the evening in places like the grand canyon). When the light gets low, the flash gets going. It’s also useful at concerts and for taking pictures of TV screens and projected slides. Always keep the flash on your camera. Those off-camera flash cords just get in the way and stifle your creativity.
     
14. Get really close. When doing wildlife photography with your point and shoot camera, make sure to fill the frame with your subject by getting reeally, really close. Fortunately, with large animals like Bears, Elk and Moose, this is quite easy. Carry a cellular telephone, lots of bandages, and good insurance coverage though, just in case.
     
15. Batteries last forever. Modern cameras never break and batteries last forever. Never burden youself down with the added weight of a small tool set and a spare battery – it can stifle your creativity.
     
16. Only work in good light. The two or three hours either side of noon on a nice, clear, cloudless day will give the best results. Get up late and eat dinner early. Lack of food and sleep can stifle your creativity.
     
17. Stay in your car. When in the national parks, stay in your car and drive around the roads. Never go into the backcountry. It’s dangerous.
     
18. Photograph in large groups. That way, if you should ever find an animal, you can surround it so it can’t get away. If it won’t look at you, make strange demeted noises to attract its attention, clap your hands and leap up and down. See also [14] above.
     
19. You can always buy more film when you get there. Don’t burden yourself with the weight of carrying film around. Remember, carrying too much weight makes you tired and that can stifle your creativity. 
20. Rules don’t apply to you. Remember that the rules in parks and zoos only apply to normal people, not photographers. In Yellowstone, ask the rangers to hold your coat while you wade into the thermal pools to get a better shot. In zoos, climbing over the barriers will often get you a lot closer to the animals.

Since we all judge our work against the standards set by our peers, mine would look much better if only I could get *everyone* to follow these 20 simple rules. 

NOTE: If this article seems similar to one which appeared in a recent edition of “Outdoor Photographer” – well I thought so too! Mine appeared first though (Feb 16th in the rec.photo.technique.nature Usenet newsgroup)  

DISCLAIMER (for the seriously humor impaired and their legal representatives) – Don’t follow this advice – it’s a joke